Hot & Emotionally Unavailable

The hot/crazy scale is a graph that is used to describe a woman’s hot to crazy ratio. If you were a fan of the show “How I Met Your Mother”, you probably heard Barney talk about this graph… applying it to the types of girlfriends he had and where they fell on the graph. The graph is brilliantly humorous and at times probably spot on in the minds of men. This is something we have all been accused of at one point or another in our relationships… “being crazy”. I always like the say that behind every crazy woman is a man who pushed her to the point of crazy.

About a month ago, I had a friend send me the hot/emotionally unavailable scale for men (below). HAHAHA! OMG! This is amazing and even more brilliant. Like the hot/crazy scale, it states that the hotter the men are the more emotionally unavailable they are. The instructor states that they start one of the axis scales at a 4 and not a 0 because they know that there’s no such thing as a completely emotionally available guy! HAHA! That would be like a unicorn she says.

This got me truly thinking about relationships and how for years, everything I hear from my friends, co-workers, acquaintances and of course myself is about our significant others and their emotional intelligence or lack thereof. I want to make sure I preface what I am about to say with a couple of things; 1- I am not a man hater or love bashing men. 2- No one’s relationship is perfect. We all have issues and we all disagree. 3- I am not a therapist but I have had talks with my friends for enough years I am sure I have exceeded the education hours required to be one. 😊

One could argue that men have a harder time with emotions for a variety of reasons; society, environment, DNA, etc. From my experience, men are fixers. They want to hear a problem, find a solution, fix it and be done with it. They don’t need to continually talk about it or beat a dead horse. Women on the other hand feel better talking about it, dissecting it, analyzing it, etc. I have found in my experience that I can stew about something so much that I start creating scenarios in my head that I play out just for fun and then I recruit my friends and start convincing them of these monstrosities. Then, by the time I get around to talking to him about it I sound CRAZY. Literally as the words are coming out of my mouth they taste horrible. There folks, is where the hot/crazy scale came from. 😊

Men, typically have been known, to avoid hard conversations or confrontation in relationships. They have more of the sweep it under the rug and hope it goes away mentality where women tend to want to sweep every last speck of dust into the pan and put it in the garbage. When they avoid the issues, we think the worse, that there is something wrong with us, insecurities start flowing and that word creeps up again, CRAZY! How many of you have had a conversation about something that bugs you with your significant other and at the end, left the conversation feeling insane? ME!!!

Women are not perfect or void of communication issues. Believe me, I have enough issues I could fill a book. I had a therapist tell me once that emotional intelligence isn’t something men or women were taught growing up like math or science, yet it is a skill set we use far more than math or science.

What I have seen, is men truly being less emotionally available than women. They have a capacity or threshold of what they can take and when that is crossed, walk away! Do not get water on them. Do not feed them after midnight. They will start speaking incomplete sentences. Their words will contain mass amounts of vomit. Second thought, RUN!!!

As a woman in my 40’s, I have learned a few tricks;

  • I have accepted that my significant other cannot be my sole source of emotional support. For example, I have my mother, friends, writing, self-help books, yoga and large amounts of sugar to support me and my emotional needs. This doesn’t mean I don’t share things with him it just means I know there are things I tell him and things I know if I did, he would check out five seconds into the conversation.

  • I have learned that when I do tell him certain types of conversations (the ones that contain emotion) that I preface the conversation with A- I just need you to listen and not try and fix anything or B- I am open to brainstorming and would love some feedback.

  • If I am speaking to something emotional regarding us, I don’t ambush him. I (try) give him a heads up with a text that contains some talking points, so he can have time to think. He doesn’t like being caught off guard. Also, the worst thing you can say is we need to talk later… with no content around it. Again, this is my rational self talking right now and 50% (which is pretty good odds in my book) of the time I send a shitty passive aggressive text to get my point across.

There is definitely some truth to both these scales and I think that is why we tend to find them so humorous and can relate. Plus the graphs help me keep my elevator list in check... I tell myself Bradley Cooper is so HOT he probably can't hold a conversation! Brass tax... relationships are hard work. Improving your communication, for men and women, is hard work. I know what works in my relationship and I still find it hard to color within the lines. My “crazy” alter ego (Stella is what I like to call her) comes through more times than I like to admit…silver lining, he can’t ever say I’m predictable or uninteresting right? Steadfast all you crazy bitches!